I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
