So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
