I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
