When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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