I wish they made helmets for livers.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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