He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I woke up under a house in Key West
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