so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
