And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
