Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to walk on stilts...naked
People in love make me want to vomit
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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