i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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