The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
