Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
