I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
