I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
