We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
