if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the day after is always just damage control
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
