I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
