At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
