Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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