we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
