well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
