The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
