Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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