The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
