Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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