the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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