Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
