I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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