So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
