i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
