I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
