My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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