I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
