My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
