The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
