What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
