god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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