Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
