So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
