you mean i was at the winter classic?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
