I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".