I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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