He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
