He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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