you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
