the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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