quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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