she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
