The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
