did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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