I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
