I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
