the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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