It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
