my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
