I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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