You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
