mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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