What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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